Thanks for the extended response, KS.
Hal, who tends to think that continuity is overrated
"A sudden silence in the middle of a conversation
suddenly brings us back to essentials: it reveals
how dearly we must pay for the invention of
speech."
--E. M. Cioran
Halvard Johnson
================
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On Jul 23, 2006, at 6:09 AM, Kasper wrote:
> quite extraordinary, & certainly exciting. some lines reminiscent of
> Hughes ("Bizarre / commissioners lilting" especially), almost all
> lines new/original in language/image. I like this very much!
> two things really only catch my eye non-positively:
>
> (1) the language is certainly fruity & firm, but a lot of the time the
> punctuation/rhythm makes it appear as though the lines are there just
> to promenade themselves, because really these stanzas are just
> metaphors one after the other, neatly. the feeling is that the images
> (bountiful though they are) aren't really connected to anything, & a
> feeling of connection is really quite important. the lack of a link
> isn't because of the change of mentioned setting (Wall Street / Norway
> -- the latter not actually given as a setting, but the impression),
> because a poem can be perfectly intact even if it takes the reader
> around the world. the lack is due to an apparent purposefulness of
> separation; the metaphors aren't even meant to connect to one another,
> except by the fact that they all refer to birds. what this poem needs
> is CONTINUITY. :)
>
> (2) also, among such lush imagery & metaphor, there are bound to be
> some that are less apt, in whatever sense. some I see:
>
> _"ticker-tape fluttering" -- while sonically good, 'ticker-tape' is
> almost at cliché-status for its popular use. the fact that ticker-tape
> refers to the stockmarket doesn't help, because the connection is not
> there (as mentioned).
> _"germicidal stalactites" -- I'm a fan of minimalism mainly because
> one doesn't need to untie one's tongue before untying what a given
> phrase actually even means. ;) this phrase isn't only a mouthful, but
> something of a mystery as to its reference.
> _"feckless semitropical cabin walls" -- if adjectives are to be in
> adbundance, they should at least be immediately recognisable ones;
> recognisable either as words themselves, or recognisable in their own
> context. I've always hated the word 'feckless', maybe that has
> something to do with it, but I think this whole stanza would be
> stronger if that word was removed.
>
> in comparison, some lines I've never seen or even thought of before &
> found amazing
>
> _"Bizarre / commissioners lilting" (as mentioned)
> _"Obese astronauts"
> _"Cinnamon gunslingers balk"
>
>
> some very sound work here Hal. :)
>
> KS
>
> On 21/07/06, Halvard Johnson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
>> Pretty Honoraria
>>
>> Beneath the almonds, where nearby water flows,
>> keen throngs feverish with delight. Bizarre
>> commissioners lilting.
>>
>> Obese astronauts promenade Wall Street,
>> ticker-tape fluttering all about
>> germicidal stalactites.
>>
>> Below Norwegian freezing points,
>> phalangists talk senselessly,
>> complacently.
>>
>> Electroplated testaments line
>> feckless semitropical cabin walls.
>> Cinnamon gunslingers balk.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Hal
>>
>> Halvard Johnson
>> ================
>> [log in to unmask]
>> [log in to unmask]
>> http://home.earthlink.net/~halvard
>> http://entropyandme.blogspot.com
>> http://imageswithoutwords.blogspot.com
>> http://www.hamiltonstone.org
>>
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