quite extraordinary, & certainly exciting. some lines reminiscent of
Hughes ("Bizarre / commissioners lilting" especially), almost all
lines new/original in language/image. I like this very much!
two things really only catch my eye non-positively:
(1) the language is certainly fruity & firm, but a lot of the time the
punctuation/rhythm makes it appear as though the lines are there just
to promenade themselves, because really these stanzas are just
metaphors one after the other, neatly. the feeling is that the images
(bountiful though they are) aren't really connected to anything, & a
feeling of connection is really quite important. the lack of a link
isn't because of the change of mentioned setting (Wall Street / Norway
-- the latter not actually given as a setting, but the impression),
because a poem can be perfectly intact even if it takes the reader
around the world. the lack is due to an apparent purposefulness of
separation; the metaphors aren't even meant to connect to one another,
except by the fact that they all refer to birds. what this poem needs
is CONTINUITY. :)
(2) also, among such lush imagery & metaphor, there are bound to be
some that are less apt, in whatever sense. some I see:
_"ticker-tape fluttering" -- while sonically good, 'ticker-tape' is
almost at cliché-status for its popular use. the fact that ticker-tape
refers to the stockmarket doesn't help, because the connection is not
there (as mentioned).
_"germicidal stalactites" -- I'm a fan of minimalism mainly because
one doesn't need to untie one's tongue before untying what a given
phrase actually even means. ;) this phrase isn't only a mouthful, but
something of a mystery as to its reference.
_"feckless semitropical cabin walls" -- if adjectives are to be in
adbundance, they should at least be immediately recognisable ones;
recognisable either as words themselves, or recognisable in their own
context. I've always hated the word 'feckless', maybe that has
something to do with it, but I think this whole stanza would be
stronger if that word was removed.
in comparison, some lines I've never seen or even thought of before &
found amazing
_"Bizarre / commissioners lilting" (as mentioned)
_"Obese astronauts"
_"Cinnamon gunslingers balk"
some very sound work here Hal. :)
KS
On 21/07/06, Halvard Johnson <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Pretty Honoraria
>
> Beneath the almonds, where nearby water flows,
> keen throngs feverish with delight. Bizarre
> commissioners lilting.
>
> Obese astronauts promenade Wall Street,
> ticker-tape fluttering all about
> germicidal stalactites.
>
> Below Norwegian freezing points,
> phalangists talk senselessly,
> complacently.
>
> Electroplated testaments line
> feckless semitropical cabin walls.
> Cinnamon gunslingers balk.
>
>
>
>
>
> Hal
>
> Halvard Johnson
> ================
> [log in to unmask]
> [log in to unmask]
> http://home.earthlink.net/~halvard
> http://entropyandme.blogspot.com
> http://imageswithoutwords.blogspot.com
> http://www.hamiltonstone.org
>
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