Hi Janet,
Thanks very much for this. You have confirmed a few niggles that I have and
it's very helpful.
> If this is meant to be in the shape of the girder before, during
> and after...how about wrecking up the last line, ie
>
> everythingcrasheddown
>
> or
> every
> thingcrash
> eddown
>
> or something.
It was intended to reflect something of the shape of the girders before the
bombing began. There clearly needs to be a stronger sense of movement in
the last line. Another poet has suggested 'everything crashing' which I
quite like and I might go with that.
>
> I think "the heat of battle" is a bit of a cliche.
It is. I'm working on it. I think it will have to go.
>> 2. Floor
>>
>> large disks of light
>> interrupt flagstones
>> here & there effect
>> illumination of kind
>>
>> haloed like thy name
>
> This is my favourite, love that last line...
> But do you mean "illumination of a kind"?
> Either way I feel that line needs something added (deleted?)
> to give it more grab, if you know what I mean.
I did have "illumination of a kind" originally and then dropped the "a" in
favour of this (I thought) more ambiguous line that could refer to "kind"
i.e. as people.
Will consider it some more.
>> 3. Tower
>>
>> remains intact
>> despite bombs
>> & other assaults
>>
>> near the pinnacle
>> small chink - tufts
>> of chickweed bloom
>>
>> a magpie
>> overlooks
>> more formal
>> arrangements
>>
>
> The first two stanzas are very effective - so why bother with the
> magpie? I guess it was there! but perhaps it deserves its own poem.
The magpie was there. I don't remember all of the reasons why it's in the
poem but I have a fondness for bathos and I thought this created a slight
sense of bathos.
Birds overlook the stupidity and fragility of humans. The "formal
arrangements" refer to the formal arrangement of the human beings inside the
ruins (on benches at regular intervals) and the formal arrangements of
flowers dotted here and there inside the ruins. I've always thought that
there was something ludicrous about having flower arrangements inside ruins.
> "Remains" in the first line may be unnecessary.
I want to keep it there.
> You did ask for comments!
I did and I really appreciate them.
Thanks again.
Tina
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