Dr. Hamilton, we have garnered your pathetic attempts at derisive humour 
(note Brit spelling).  You might want, as well, to check your dictionaries 
for the meaning of "supercilious".

We do feel you'd be wise to tape shut your letterbox, at least temporarily. 
Oh, and your Eau de Cologne might be a dead (oops, sorry!) giveaway, so a 
simple bath would be advisable.

We are patient servants of the Queen (and her colonists abroad, natch), and 
we will file your desperate message into your folder marked "Will Never Get 
a Greencard" which is alphabetically behind your folder marked "Likely 
Candidate for Fricassee and/or Barbecue."

more Regrets, blah blah blah,

Ever Vigilant Constable Joodles

PS:  VileBoris says lamb mince's cool, but be sure it's +organic+, and get a 
move on!!


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Robin Hamilton" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:51 PM
Subject: Re: the testy VileBoris


> Mizz Prince writes:
>
>> As much as we wish not to alarm you, Dr. Hamilton, we need to remind you
>> that on the day VileBoris saw you, he also gathered
>
> ... the word you are no doubt +attempting+ to enunciate is "garnered", but 
> I'm broad-minded and forgiving and will let it pass.
>
>> your scent.  It was, after all, a very warm fall day in Raynes Park.
>
>        [God, I forgot that -- the Evil Creature +does+ have my scent!  Now 
> where's that Emergency Bottle of Eau De Cologne?]
>
>> Further, VileBoris has proven himself an uncannily skilled
>> catflap-enterer. You do have a mail slot in your front door, don't you?
>
> Not to insist on the well-known linguistic ineptitude of Our Transatlantic
> Cousins, in the Real World the rectangular hoodjiekapivit found in many if
> not all of British Doors is known as a "letterbox" (plural: 
> "letterboxes").
> +Not+ 'matelots' or 'maisonettes' or any other deformed pronunciation
> thereof.
>
> These are +not+ the same as "cat-flaps" [ask Martie] (which are larger and
> squarer and do not come as a standard fitting [thank the Ever Living!] on
> PVC doors such as mine).
>
> Many talents, mostly evil, I am prepared to grant to VB, but the ability 
> to
> teleport is not, in my admittedly-limited experience, one.  Are you sure 
> you
> aren't confusing him with Oliver?
>
> (I am, of course, in the purest interests of scholarship, prepared to 
> defer
> in this area to The Zimmerframe Abuser From Hell, who has a larger
> acquaintance with the Said Creature.)
>
> But if Vile Boris can teleport, and along with his other 
> all-too-considerable devious skills counts telekinesis and translocation 
> in his repertoire, I might as well give up now, cut my throat at once
> over the sink, and save him the trouble.  (No flowers at my funeral 
> please. Donations to the National Secular Society.)
>
>> more Regrets, etc etc,
>
> At least wear a black veil at my funeral, and try to drop a well-judged 
> (if insincere) tear.
>
>> Constable Joodles
>>
>> PS:  VileBoris says:  "Parcels, shmarcels!"
>
> Tell the schmuck from me to go fricassee his family jewels.
>
>> PPS:  VileBoris has also asked us to convey to you his interest in
>> high-grade beef mince.  Interpret this as you wish, Dr. Hamilton; we are
>> merely servants of the Queen and her subjects (cats included).
>
> OK, OK, I'm off down to Tesco already.  Sure he wouldn't prefer ground 
> lamb?
>
>                    An Humble Servant of the King of Shadows.
>
>    [Come to think of it, I wonder how VB would cope with those panthers? 
> Could I call in a favour?
>
>    Nah, don't even think of it, Robin -- gods are kittle cattle.]
>