On 1/22/06, Frederick Pollack <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Roger Day" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, January 21, 2006 7:55 PM
> Subject: egg crack
>
>
tight
seamless
silence
can't get in
can't get out
crack
jaws
crash through
blue appears
light blind
shock
i waddle out
fluffy tabula rasa
imprint your text-image
first time
for me to make marks to anyone
you liked me better
before
>
> I like this. I think you could drop two words: "nutshell" and "gesture."
> Would this chicken-persona "know" or say "nutshell"? Does it help, really,
> to compare an eggshell - we know it's an eggshell - to a nutshell? You keep
> the reader more focused and curious without it; and for the same reason I'd
> drop "gesture." We SEE the persona make the gesture; we don't need it to be
> signalled. Otherwise, enjoyable poem. -- "Haircut" is more obscure to me -
> what event? "Curating" means what, here? The invective piled on this faint
> figure seems excessive, unconnected.
>
--
http://www.badstep.net/
http://www.cb1poetry.org.uk/
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