Thanks Matt. I guess it won't work the same for men. I did think it was a 
little bit OTT as well. We were given the subject of "gifts" to write about 
in a class I am in and this poem is the rexult. The girl in the poem is not 
worldly wise to these trype (freudian slip) type of men. I haven't got 
Calaya's crits will look in the Archives. Will work some more on this. Bw 
Sally J


>From: Matt Merritt <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: hew sub Gifts
>Date: Tue, 24 Jan 2006 23:36:07 +0000
>
>Hi Sally,
>I'd go along with what Calaya says about extra words - I think you could 
>make a few little cuts to tighten things up.
>I agree with Colin too, although I don't think it had occurred to me 
>exactly why it doesn't quite work for me. But certainly on first reading I 
>guessed where the poem was heading, so it maybe needs to signpost it a bit 
>less.
>On the other hand, as Colin says, it is the sort of poem that could sound 
>very different read out loud, by you, so it all depends on what you have in 
>mind for it.
>There's a lot I like here though - the details become increasingly over the 
>top, I think, and for me that works to get the sympathy of the reader for 
>the woman in the poem, because the reader knows exactly what sort of bloke 
>you're talking about. The musical heart continually sounding off in the 
>knicker drawer is a particularly good image in that respect.
>Regards,
>Matt
>
>
>>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: hew sub Gifts
>>Date: Sun, 22 Jan 2006 11:10:09 +0000
>>
>>Gifts
>>
>>When they had known each other a little while
>>he gave her a bracelet, asked her to be his lover.
>>When she went on holiday he gave her
>>a mobile phone wrapped up in silver paper
>>then she could phone and not forget him.
>>When they first made love he gave her a clock
>>that could tick aching seconds away when they were apart.
>>Once he gave her a figurine of a couple embracing,
>>a box of dairy milk chocolates and a blue fluffy rabbit.
>>Later there was a pink teddy bear he got from the city
>>that talked when its ear was pressed.
>>And for their last Christmas together
>>he gave her a ring that glittered like her eyes
>>when he told her he would never leave her.
>>In her knicker drawer she still has the musical heart
>>he gave her on Valentine’s day that chimes
>>every time she searches for her pants.
>>And in a cupboard, hidden in a box are his love letters
>>and the appointment card he gave her for the STD clinic.
>>
>>Sally James