Hi Colin,
I liked this poem, and I'd go along with the first layout suggested by
Calaya.
I can't really agree with what James says about "edge" though. I think
there's a big danger that in trying too hard to introduce it into a poem you
end up telling the reader what to think, and signposting a "message" too
much. One of the reasons this poem appealed to me is that it is really
pretty open for the reader to make of it what they will - there's plenty of
edge there below the surface.
Regards,
Matt
>From: calaya <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Walking
>Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 13:34:55 -0800
>
>Hello, Colin,
> I really like this poem. Of course, what I hear & see may not be what
>you mean, but:
>
> I hear an adult with a youth, asking how much time they'll have (until
>your shoulder is too high to hold-?) and hopes that the youth will learn
>to: "see what's there in every space/you come to, before you change it."
>
>I see waters reflect hopes for a "familiar self," a sky & moon that
>reflects impermanence; I hear a hope that the youth, no matter what
>influences come, will know and hold true to thier familiar self and...hold
>true to thier memories.
>
> Well, even if you mean something entirely different, I've a few Nits:
> you might want to drop a comma into the first L, after quiet. (To slow
>the pace to more-match that lasting moment. ) And, to keep that pace,
>additional S breaks after "sends it away? after "hare or roe deer" and
>after "come to other people." ?? Like:
>
> Because we are quiet, the moment lasts.
>The sun outside the spruce lights the roe,
>before a footstep in the clearing sends it away.
>
>How much time until your shoulder is too high to hold -
>to ask that you see what's there in every space
>you come to, before you change it?
>
>When you look for it you find your familiar self
>in the black mirror of the lochan,
>not any self felt by hare or roe deer.
>
>Clouds come and go, make what they will of this temporary moon.
>Water lies stilled as memory,
>as when you come to other people
>
>they appear as you recall
>from every room you've known.
>
> ____Or the last 2 S as:
>
> Clouds come and go, make what they will
> of this temporary moon.
>Water lies stilled as memory,
>
>as when you come to other people
>they appear as you recall
>from every room you've known. ??
>
> **** hope any on this helps. I really enjoyed the read.
> thanks, calaya
> *****
> Colin wrote:
>Because we are quiet the moment lasts.
>The sun outside the spruce lights the roe,
>before a footstep in the clearing sends it away.
>How much time until your shoulder is too high to hold -
>to ask that you see what's there in every space
>you come to, before you change it?
>
>When you look for it you find your familiar self
>in the black mirror of the lochan,
>not any self felt by hare or roe deer.
>Clouds come and go, make what they will of this temporary moon.
>Water lies stilled as memory,
>as when you come to other people
>they appear as you recall
>from every room you've known.
>
>
>
>
>---------------------------------
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