Dear Sally,
I struggled a bit with "sticking to my soul" too, but probably only because
the rest of the poem is so well put together. I like Gill's suggestion as an
alternative, but there are lots of really strong images there, especially
the fox's eye and the berries.
Your output is putting the rest of us to shame at the moment!
Best wishes,
Matt
>From: Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub, Turning back the clock
>Date: Sun, 5 Nov 2006 09:32:17 -0000
>
>Dear Sally I like some of your images here very much, especially the fox's
>mad eye - brilliant. but there is a tiny suspicion of sentimentality in
>some of the lines that I would get rid of if it were my poem -'each
>crackled tear sticks to my soul' in particular. You could alternatively
>'crack tears under your feet'- that would give strength and resolution to
>the poem as if you were casting off the past. And I'd change the title to
>setting the clock forward to enhance that idea.
>But it reads beautifully and it has a very fine lyricism. And Arthur is
>right: that lyrical voice of yours is gaining strength rapidly! I don't
>know your history, please forgive me if I've trodden on a toe.
>love,
>Gill
>
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Saturday, November 04, 2006 10:18 AM
>Subject: new sub, Turning back the clock
>
>
>Turning back the clock.
>
>The moon, a foxes mad eye
>glares between stark branches
>of an unclothed tree.
>Spying in the twilight
>it creeps across moors
>still glowing from
>the aftermath of sunset.
>I walk upon the crumpled gown
>of autumn, each crackled tear
>sticking to my soul.
>Mist hovers in the hedgerows.
>Clouds circle my head, protect
>from the prickle of holly, yet
>droplets of berries still bleed
>in this star-less dusk.
>
>Sally James
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>Windows LiveT Messenger has arrived. Click here to download it for free!
>http://imagine-msn.com/messenger/launch80/?locale=en-gb
>
>
>
>--
>No virus found in this incoming message.
>Checked by AVG Free Edition.
>Version: 7.1.409 / Virus Database: 268.13.27/517 - Release Date: 03/11/2006
_________________________________________________________________
Windows Live™ Messenger has arrived. Click here to download it for free!
http://imagine-msn.com/messenger/launch80/?locale=en-gb
|