Hi Matt,
Thanks for the comments!
Yes, it does need tightening - in a few of the lines.
I know I'm playing with quite a few cheesy, or cliched images - the
saxaphone (after that song Baker Street is SO much associated with a big
city!) and the first stanza seems, to me, to come from either an advert for
lager, or pepsi, or coke, or it keeps appearing on one of those American TV
films where every scene - except the last ones - is where everything is
spotless and sunny and just perfect.
But I am trying to get the message acorss that this is what I want it to be
- the reality is probably nowhere as perfect as this!
And I wondered about the last stanza, too... perhaps I'm not stressing this
is more "wishful thinking" than what actually usually (and in my case,
almost always!) happens.
I'll keep looking at it.
Bob
>From: Matt Merritt <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: What I Want
>Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2006 10:08:10 +0000
>
>Hi Bob,
>I like this a lot, but agree with Gill that maybe it could be trimmed a
>bit, particularly in the second verse, which I stumbled over a bit. I'm not
>sure with the final verse - I like it more the more times I read it. I was
>undecided too about the saxophone. At first it struck me as a bit cheesy,
>but I think the point is probably that you've used it in a very non-cheesy
>context, and so I think it works.
>Best wishes,
>Matt
>
>
>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: What I Want
>>Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 15:10:55 +0000
>>
>>All comments welcome:
>>(The indented lines are supposed to start immediately below where the
>>previous line ends! They do on my screen - I hope they do in yours!)
>>
>>
>>What I Want
>>
>>I want this to be a city where men in overalls sat outside cafes
>>slide their sunglasses up to their hair, wrinkle their noses
>>when sipping beer, then close their eyes after licking their lips,
>>sigh a smile like in an advert and say, Aaaaah.
>> I want this
>>to be the place
>>where, on a quiet tram, the child in a sunhat, a dummy round her neck,
>>sits contented in a buggy never letting go of the small fluffy bear
>>while she stares at my stare, feeling OK with what she sees.
>>
>>I want this tram stop to be where expectations gather with people
>>as, getting on and getting off, they sidle gracefully past each other,
>>I want others to cruise past slowly in cars.
>> I want this
>>dusty street corner
>>to be where ex-lovers meet with surprise, pleasure in their faces,
>>and after a brief peck on the cheek, they talk of the goodness
>>they feel belongs with them now as light glows in the sky.
>>
>>I want this to be the street where, through an open window
>>too high to see into, faint saxophone riffs drift downwards
>>while quiet dogs who move their ears are walked past
>>as their owners talk to themselves.
>> I want this doorstep to be
>>the moment I rise ever so slowly before I walk in, kick off my shoes,
>>as you grin your imperfect English over my chocolates, bottle of wine,
>>their heaviness weighed in your hand as I walk where you lead.
>>
>>Bob Cooper
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