Hi Gill,
Thanks for the comments!
It's good when people say things and I can think, "I've thought that, too, 
but I've been pretending  I hadn't for too long..."
When I get the time I'm going to dismantle this and put it back together 
again.
One of the issues about writing in such long lines can be that the form, and 
the iambic beat it develops, takes so much control that tinkering becomes 
very difficult: replacment words alter the rhythmical stress so much and 
other words start to feel wonky (like when a melody goes upwards but the 
words that's sung is "down"!
But I'm going to play hard with what's happening here.
Bob


>From: Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: What I Want
>Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2006 21:21:43 +0100
>
>Dear Bob, I really liked this and have only a few minor comments to make: 
>Suggest "sit" instead of "sat" in the first line unless this is a typo; 
>loved the first stanza, found the second one a bit clumsy and awkward, it 
>needs freeing up a bit; third stanza I felt I wanted to get rid of 
>"surprise", it interrupted the flow; and the last stanza I wanted to leave 
>out all the stuff about grins and wine and chocolate and have simply:
>'kick off my shoes,
>and walk where you lead.'
>
>A bit blunt but I'm feeling very, very  tired; I genuinely think it's a 
>wonderful poem and I hope it will be published somewhere soon; it really 
>deserves it!
>Gill
>
>
>
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Bob Cooper" 
><[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Friday, September 29, 2006 4:10 PM
>Subject: What I Want
>
>
>>All comments welcome:
>>(The indented lines are supposed to start immediately below where the 
>>previous line ends! They do on my screen - I hope they do in yours!)
>>
>>
>>What I Want
>>
>>I want this to be a city where men in overalls sat outside cafes
>>slide their sunglasses up to their hair, wrinkle their noses
>>when sipping beer, then close their eyes after licking their lips,
>>sigh a smile like in an advert and say, Aaaaah.
>>                                                              I want this 
>>to be the place
>>where, on a quiet tram, the child in a sunhat, a dummy round her neck,
>>sits contented in a buggy never letting go of the small fluffy bear
>>while she stares at my stare, feeling OK with what she sees.
>>
>>I want this tram stop to be where expectations gather with people
>>as, getting on and getting off, they sidle gracefully past each other,
>>I want others to cruise past slowly in cars.
>>                                                          I want this 
>>dusty street corner
>>to be where ex-lovers meet with surprise, pleasure in their faces,
>>and after a brief peck on the cheek, they talk of the goodness
>>they feel belongs with them now as light glows in the sky.
>>
>>I want this to be the street where, through an open window
>>too high to see into, faint saxophone riffs drift downwards
>>while quiet dogs who move their ears are walked past
>>as their owners talk to themselves.
>>                                                I want this doorstep to be
>>the moment I rise ever so slowly before I walk in, kick off my shoes,
>>as you grin your imperfect English over my chocolates, bottle of wine,
>>their heaviness weighed in your hand as I walk where you lead.
>>
>>Bob Cooper
>>
>>
>>
>>--
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>>
>>