Hi Sally,
I'm enjoying this poem.
And below I'm just tinkering/tightening/making more mouth-music...
"Here the mountains don't rush down to the sea
like kamikaze seagulls. The tumble and fall,
crash against boulders in the raw wind, send
spray at head height headlong onto the beach..."
and I'd just say "the grey sea" later on in the poem. Maybe:
"The grey sea, even in summer,
frowns like a white whiskered old man
flecking pale pebbles with his tears..."
I'm also letting my mouth ponder over "dangling hooks" and "waiting hooks" -
unaware/waiting are sounds that are closer to each other, on the same line,
while dangling/squirming are quite a few words apart. But I'll let your
accent, your pace, your sense of rhythm, and how you stress sounds in words,
decide.
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: new sub Wales
>Date: Mon, 21 Aug 2006 17:11:04 +0100
>
>Wales.
>
>The mountains don’t swoop down to the sea
>here like kamikaze seagulls. They tumble and fall
>splash against boulders in the raw wind, send
>spray bouncing and spitting onto the beach.
>Oyster catchers balance on rocks, wait patiently
>for a change of tide, a shoal of fish. Mackerel
>unaware of the dangling hooks, bite bait that beckons
>their silver fins a flash of light squirming
>on the end of a line. The sea, grey, even in summer,
>frowns like an old man with white whiskers
>sparkling pebbles with his tears. And all the time
>the boats rock in his arms, and the sun wears
>clouds for shades. I capture this impression,
>pastel in haste the silver shine on ancient granite
>and before the old man can change his mind
>and swallow the sun.
>
>Sally James
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