Hi Gill,
Thanks for the comments!
You've put your finger on the part of the poem I wasn't over sure about. For 
me the last stanza feels slightly not right as well. I'll try what your 
suggesting and see if it feels any better.
I think I've started to over-use small words like "and" - perhaps because I 
don't like poems that jerk and splutter because they don't have any and feel 
so unnatural to read aloud! - so to keep things smooth, and use less "ands" 
etc. is something I perhaps need to remember.
Bob
Who'll now snuggle back into his coffee-pot!

>From: Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Every Sha-la-la-la
>Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 15:46:39 +0100
>
>Dear Bob, Hello from the dormouse in the teapot! Awake enough now to 
>comment on your poem, which I thought really lovely and very poignant. the 
>only suggestion I have is to shorten the last stanza (waving those surgical 
>scissors again!). I'd put a semi-colon (yes, I know they're much hated but 
>they're still valuable) after, 'season' in the third stanza, omit 'and as' 
>from the beginning of the fourth and also omit the phrase 'more beer is 
>ordered', going straight to 'froth slides down each emptied glass'. You 
>might end up with a 3 line final stanza and may feel that spoils your 
>pattern but you'll almost have a sonnet if that consoles you! See what you 
>think...
>wishing you happy and inspired writing,
>Gill
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Bob Cooper" 
><[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 3:23 PM
>Subject: Every Sha-la-la-la
>
>
>All commments welcome!
>
>Every Sha-la-la-la
>
>Two students play violin and cello,
>intricate Vivaldi, then slow things down
>The Carpenters: Yesterday Once More
>
>and those at the street café tables
>from Kansas, Castleford, the two men in kilts,
>stop saying things, only touch their drinks,
>
>and look different. Every face shows something
>about who they once were, what they know.
>Then it's Vivaldi again, another season,
>
>and, as chatter rises, laughter clatters each table,
>shifts the weight on each chair. More beer is ordered,
>froth slides down each emptied glass.
>
>
>Bob Cooper
>
>
>
>--
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