Dear Bob, Hello from the dormouse in the teapot! Awake enough now to comment
on your poem, which I thought really lovely and very poignant. the only
suggestion I have is to shorten the last stanza (waving those surgical
scissors again!). I'd put a semi-colon (yes, I know they're much hated but
they're still valuable) after, 'season' in the third stanza, omit 'and as'
from the beginning of the fourth and also omit the phrase 'more beer is
ordered', going straight to 'froth slides down each emptied glass'. You
might end up with a 3 line final stanza and may feel that spoils your
pattern but you'll almost have a sonnet if that consoles you! See what you
think...
wishing you happy and inspired writing,
Gill
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 3:23 PM
Subject: Every Sha-la-la-la
All commments welcome!
Every Sha-la-la-la
Two students play violin and cello,
intricate Vivaldi, then slow things down
The Carpenters: Yesterday Once More
and those at the street café tables
from Kansas, Castleford, the two men in kilts,
stop saying things, only touch their drinks,
and look different. Every face shows something
about who they once were, what they know.
Then it's Vivaldi again, another season,
and, as chatter rises, laughter clatters each table,
shifts the weight on each chair. More beer is ordered,
froth slides down each emptied glass.
Bob Cooper
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