Yes, I see the difference. Apart from making a couple of other changes you 
do sem to have a point along with the other poem you commented on that used 
the same "device" for that is merely what it is.

I will ponder seriously on the difference. Thanks Christina.



bw
James





>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: to look outwards (James)
>Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2006 12:40:13 EDT
>
>Hello James,
>Once again, I'm struck by the thought that this might be worth  considering
>the first person.  You said you'd used 'you' a lot  recently because you 
>wanted
>to distance yourself but it occurs to me that  what it does for the writer 
>is
>the opposite to the effect on the reader,  who may or may not share a 
>common
>connection and/or experience. If the  feelings are alien to the reader, is
>what you've written lost?  In the  first person the poem offers the reader 
>the
>opportunity to consider what you've  written and find his/her own 
>connection.
>Perhaps using the first person's  tricky but lately I've been wondering why
>writers so often use 'she', 'he' or  'you' when what they're expressing is 
>so
>clearly 'I'?  Anyhow, I'd be  interested in what you think about the 
>editing
>below your poem.  Tell  all;-)
>bw
>christina
>
>This  takes up a familiar theme for me. C & C welcomed as always.
>
>to look  outwards
>
>you wonder when you began to look outwards
>away from  humanity to the waterside -
>the society of geese and others
>as the  images were presented before your eyes
>
>in the sweep of sand at low tide  far down the river course
>you see the dryness as a condition
>you and all  the living things own together
>for in perpetual dryness you cannot go  on
>although its presence today is physically finite
>that is only part of  your overall position
>
>out on a little water today you see the  continuity
>as the geese gather and swim away
>in a formation to which  they cling instinctively
>and you begin to form a sense of why you look  outwards
>
>in the first person
>
>to look outwards
>
>I wonder when I began to look outwards
>away from  humanity to the waterside -
>the society of geese and others
>as the images  were presented before my eyes
>
>in the sweep of sand at low tide far down  the river course
>I see the dryness as a condition
>I and all the living  things own together
>for in perpetual dryness I cannot go on
>although its  presence today is physically finite
>that is only part of my overall  position
>
>out on a little water today I see the continuity
>as the geese  gather and swim away
>in a formation to which they cling instinctively
>and  I begin to form a sense of why I look outwards
>
>
>
>