Hi Christina,
Yes on all counts. I've used the second person in most poems these days to
try and achieve a certain distance. Clearly it doesn't work here on
reflection. Stone 8x, yes there are ways I can see of changing. Many thanks.
bw
James
>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Visits To Stone
>Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2006 03:39:25 EDT
>
>
>I can't help feeling that this would work better for me in the first
>person,
>James. It's a poem about your thoughts and reactions and I'd feel them
>more
>strongly if you were direct. Not keen on 'tho' (looks a bit arty-farty)
>and can't work out why (if you must use it) you don't use it in the second
>line. You've used 'stone' eight times in a short poem. Is there a way
>round
>this? Would getting out the secateurs and pruning like a demon be one way
>of
>avoiding so much repetition? There's much to like in your poem. The
>subject
>matter and your meditations are interesting and I think it's well worth
>working on.
>bw
>c
>
>VISITS TO STONE
>
>you travel into the country of stone
>and - though you look
>have seen none yet
>tho' fel the heat they will hold
>later in the day
>
>you feel that stone around your
>neck - the burden to make
>your head bend forward
>and ache even in the sun -
>tho' there will be release
>
>and the stone you live beside -
>have visited again and touched
>to make sure it still exists
>radiated nothing - answered
>your touch with its hardness
>
>and at night there is silence
>the stone clouded by mist
>for dew at dawn that will make
>the stone glitter before
>the morning again moves on
>
>you think of that stone
>and sense the pull
>the heaviness of granite that
>might crumble in another 5000 years -
>too long for you and stone visits
>
>too long even for the non-living
>to remain in one shape
>for anyone to be concerned -
>may one day slip from a mountain
>or stand on the bottom of the sea
>
>
>
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