Thanks Christina, This is the first time that I have experimented with this
type of thing and agree the words could be organised better. And yes the
title does seem a little heavy, will think about another one. Best wishes
Sally J
>From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new sub Brass band music in the park
>Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2006 04:50:44 EDT
>
>
>Hello Sally,
>I think your floating words work well here and I like the poem. The title
>feels rather heavy and visually out of tune with the rest of the poem. I
>was
>just looking at Annie Wright's 'Redemption Song' because, for me, it's a
>fine
>example of layout being absolutely integral to the pace and content of the
>poem. If you don't know it, you'll find it in Roger's Arrowhead
>publication
>'Redemption Songs'. I'm wondering whether it's worth playing with the
>space
>between the lines to make sure you're controlling the pace of reading?
>For
>example, I'd a feeling that an extra line between 'flowers' and 'You in
>spirit'
>might be worth considering.
>bw
>c
>
>Brass band music in the park
>
>June and hot
>and
>music
>floating
>in the air
>dancing
>like
>a butterfly
>among the flowers.
>You in spirit,
>connecting
>with me
>your voice
>singing
>from
>the euphonium
>to remind me
>that
>there is
>no measure of time,
>nothing,
>that can
>ever
>erase
>the memories
>of the love
>you had for me.
>
>
>
>
>Sally James
>
>
>
>
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