Hi Sally,
Thanks for the comments - the tightenings you suggest are things I'm 
intending to do.
I'm still not too sure about the first line... I think the one I submitted 
is too lumpy, has too many words, but I'm wondering if yours sounds too 
powerfully "in yer face" - but perhaps it ought to be!
Bob
PS I'm replying to your poem next!


>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Poetics & The Sense Of Place
>Date: Sun, 28 May 2006 11:20:06 +0100
>
>I really like this Bob, I am not so sure of the title though as it seems a 
>bit too academic for me as if it was a topic for discussion. I think the 
>first line could begin "I love breathing air like this". I have bracketed a 
>few words that didn't seem to fit in for me. I hope you don't mind. But I 
>do like the poem very much and I have bracketed a lovely line about the 
>graffiti on the walls but for me it didn't quite fit in. I think the last 
>line is o.k.
>I did send a poem in for discussion but it doesn't seem to have arrived yet 
>so maybe others are having the same dificulty. I will check again in case I 
>have missed it. I have been away for a week so have a lot of emails to 
>catch up on. best wishes Sally J
>
>
>>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Poetics & The Sense Of Place
>>Date: Sat, 27 May 2006 15:29:26 +0000
>>
>>Here's a splash of a piece to disturb the quietness.
>>& it's only a 2nd draft! But I'm OK about the title - it's the 1st and 
>>last lines that worry me most - but they might feel Ok to you, I guess...
>>
>>
>>Poetics & The Sense Of Place
>>
>>(I should always know) I love breathing air like this
>>outside the off-license at the bottom of Smoggie Lane
>>holding cans of the cheapest beer, each slow lungful
>>far better than at Wasdale Head( at the same time)
>>where there’s no exhaust fumes from a bus
>>as it clatters (while it )pulls out and moves on,
>>(and the graffiti on the shelter are love poems,)
>>where there’s no invisible grime settling on my face
>>(with ) as the August sun lowers its amber disc
>>between St Jo’s and Roger’s Bike Shop
>>before touching the railway embankment and bridge
>>then filling the arch with its blaze as I walk.
>>
>>Bob Cooper