dear Matt, thank you very much for this. I did realise when I was posting it
that there were too many participles and it sounded clumsy. Thanks for the
point about the word orange too!
Sincerely,
Gill
----- Original Message -----
From: "Matt Merritt" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 11:48 AM
Subject: Re: Gill McEvoy. new Sub
> Hi Gill,
> I think I'd agree with what Gerald and Bob pointed out about the "ings",
> but otherwise, I really liked this. I did wonder whether "orange" is
> necessary towards the end - I'm not sure that the rhythm or the sense need
> it.
> Regards,
> Matt
>
>
> >From: Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: Gill McEvoy. new Sub
>>Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2006 10:43:57 +0100
>>
>>Hallo everyone, may I ask for some feedback on this please?
>>
>>Coming to Life.
>>
>>Settling the spoon on the counter after stirring tea
>>you notice the litttle tremor of sound go humming
>>into stillness.
>>Peeling a banana, you're struck by the small brown
>>freckles on its skin, flecks of dark grit in yellow sand,
>>and you're back, excavating the beach
>>with your red spade,
>>sharp wind whipping hair across your eyes, the future
>>out there, all blue and shining like the sea, everything
>>still possible.
>>You breathe the sudden bitter orange scent as you
>>unlid the marmalade, and stand there, stupefied,
>>amazed. After a long time ill, the first good day,
>>coming to life again.
>>
>>Gill McEvoy.
>
>
>
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