interesting 

notes below

--- Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

> Hallo everyone, may I ask for some feedback on this
> please?
> 
> Coming to Life.
> 
> Settling the spoon on the counter after stirring tea
> you notice the litttle tremor of sound go humming
> into stillness.

my immediate reaction is
you settle the bill
you set the spoon [down]
and ok if you mean settling because the spoon is
rattling around -- still -- when you settle it you
kill the movement and the sound.

This "you" you are addressing also seems a bit ...
well I'm not sure what  something between shouting and
being pretentious. The you is revealed at the end and
whilst that seems ample justification it still seems
to craw a bit like being pointed at -- HEY YOU!

perhaps you might consider

you set the spoon ...
and notice


> Peeling a banana, you're struck by the small brown
> freckles on its skin, flecks of dark grit in yellow
> sand,

again why not
you peel a banana; are struck ..

> and you're back, excavating the beach
> with your red spade,
> sharp wind whipping hair across your eyes, the
> future
> out there, all blue and shining like the sea,
> everything
> still possible.
> You breathe 

this time you've got it
you breathe -- the earlier bits should be so you
set/peel rather than sett(l)ing/peeling

the sudden bitter orange scent as you 
> unlid 

-- love this new verb unlid --


the marmalade, and stand there, stupefied,
> amazed. After a long time ill, the first good day,
> coming to life again. 
> 
> Gill McEvoy.

getting there nicely

yours
Gerald



Gerald England
New Hope International, Haiku Talk
poetry, reviews, travel photography and more
http://www.geraldengland.co.uk

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