Dear Bob,
Many thanks for the suggestion. I'll think about that.
Kind regards, Margaret
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, January 03, 2006 5:04 PM
Subject: Re: [THE-WORKS] New sub: Chester Arnessy explains religion
> Hi Margaret,
> I like what this is doing - and how it's doing it! A real conversational
> tone, so I feel as if the narrator is talking to me as someone who's
> interested in what's being said - and I am interested!
> But... (small point that might not be so small!)... I felt that the "I saw
> Jimmy's niece... etc" seemed to be a change of subject that happened so
> quickly!
> I wonder if a word before "I saw Jimmy's niece" might help. If it was a
> "When" or a "Later" it might feel more natural - and the adjustments to
make
> the following phrasings seem more natural when the sentence starts with a
> "when" or a "Later" or some other softer-change-of-subject word would be
> easily done too.
> And a happy new year to you, too!
> Bob
|