Thanks for the suggestions.
kol tuv, Ryfkah
In a message dated 03/06/2006 4:49:22 AM, [log in to unmask] writes:
<< Hi Ryfkah,
i really liked this poems, i particularly liked the indents in the second
stanza. There are a few minor changes i think you could make though, i rekon
the line breaks in the first stanza would work better rhythmically and
semantically if they were like this:
He sniggers, tosses a baby
like a discarded doll
in the air, his pistol fires
into the target repeatedly
even in the reworked version i'm not rue 'the' before 'target' works, i also
think 'ebulition' might be the wrong word, in how it sounds rather than what
it means. Anyways, hope this is useful.
Cheers,
Ahren >>
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