Oooops! I clicked "Send" and then remembered the first line! The word "silk"
- I guess that links with charts (things can be printed on silk) - and
blindfolds - so I can make some kind of links and so images are fitting
together even more!
But I'm still thinking about the word "Blind" in a poem so reliant on visual
images. That's clever, daring!
Bob
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: new post: Blind Dreams
>Date: Mon, 6 Mar 2006 11:08:27 +0000
>
>Hi Gill,
>A daring, make no excuses for writing it, poem!
>I like the start, and I like the end!
>Not so sure about the title, tho...
>And the only stanza where I'm wondering is this one:
>>You will chart my body to me,
>>discover to me all its secrets.
>>You will warm the darkness
>>that I live in now.
>The phrase "discover to me" is very strange - I want to say different
>words! And can I dare suggesting that the poem may work equally well
>without the whole stanza?
>I'm not saying it doesn't say things worth saying - but does the poem still
>make sense without including them? I sense it does. But, because this is
>the part of the poem where the other responds, you might think what it's
>saying it important! So, because the poem changes quite a lot without the
>stanza, (becomes more focused on the narator) I guess the question is: are
>you happy omitting it?
>If you want to keep it, then perhaps the verb "chart" might need
>considering. Water-lilies, dragonflies, a wheel, a chart... then back to
>dragonflies. It's a long journey of different images for a short poem - and
>chart is a very richly laden word (no matter how it's used!). I guess it
>sounds longer than "map" but it's sound is so different to water-lily,
>wheel, dragonfly... But its sound fits with "secrets" and links with "warm"
>and, moreso, "darkness" so it's the whole stanza, and what it's doing, that
>I'm noticing...
>Bob
>
>
>>From: Gill McEvoy <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: new post: Blind Dreams
>>Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2006 14:02:20 -0000
>>
>>Hello everyone, plaese may I ask for some some feedback on this?
>>
>>Blind Dreams.
>>
>>Your body will be silk, I know,
>>your breasts like water-lilies,
>>golden centred, cupped in white
>>and glistening.
>>
>>I will hold you; I will enter you.
>>We will make a wheel of love
>>like dragonflies,
>>blue and bright in June.
>>
>>You will chart my body to me,
>>discover to me all its secrets.
>>You will warm the darkness
>>that I live in now.
>>
>>The sheets are chill, the bed forlorn.
>>You will not come, I know,
>>but stillI I practise remembering:
>>waterlilies, dragonflies.
>>
>>
>>Gill McEvoy.
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