Hi Colin,
Thanks for the comments!
Yeh, I'm changing the line! Perhaps substitute the word "complicated" for
"complex yet simple."
And thanks for pointing out the sipping and drunk! I'm swopping the words
round! Doh!
Bob
>From: Colin Dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New Sub: Measuring Up/Bob
>Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2006 14:03:01 -0000
>
>Well you undertook some meaningful work after all. This poem chunters along
>very nicely and the style suits the subject. Very lucid. I'd simplify:
>"complex yet simple abstract nouns into verbs -"
>
>e.g. ... those abstract nouns to verbs
>like..
>
>Also some worry about the sequencing right at the end of the poem.The
>reader's just got "you've drunk" and then they're back to sipping. Again
>this could be simplified to good effect.
>
>
>e.g. Each cup of coffee
>after spooning in the granules
>sipped still warm in afternoons
>before what happens next.
>
>
>Colin
>
>
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Bob Cooper"
><[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 5:51 PM
>Subject: New Sub: Measuring Up
>
>
>H'm, should have been working hard after work... instead:
>A first draft for any comments:
>
>Measuring Up
>
>You drape socks on the radiator,
>each one pulled straight, in pairs.
>No-one said you would choose this life:
>things happened, things didn't. Sometimes
>the choices were yours, sometimes not.
>The hours asleep, the longer hours awake
>at home, at work, the daydreams
>when travelling, the meals, the customs
>you observed and then followed, clothes
>you assumed would say something
>and the hairstyles, shoes, which quietened
>with age. How your accent changed
>and how you tried to turn, by faith,
>complex yet simple abstract nouns into verbs -
>words like hope and love. Each cup of coffee
>you've drunk after spooning in the granules
>sipped while still warm in afternoons
>before what happens next.
>
>Bob Cooper
>
>(who, you might want to know, has read - and borrowed or stolen - something
>TS Eliot wrote)
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