This poem is very tidily put together, Bob. The beginning reminds me of the
beginning
of Paradise Lost with it's astonishingly long first sentence. There is no
awkwardness in either case . If you were to look for a break it could be
after line 4. It's a
matter of style but the second half of the first sentence is about the car,
whilst the first half is about the town. Do you want them to flow together?
There's something not quite right about the sound of: "whose light hides
many faint stars". Maybe it's a syllable short. Or perhaps I'm stressing it
in the wrong place. How about "whose light hides the faintest stars"? (or
fainter stars)
The title's not quite right IMO. How about "Such Enlightenment" or even
"Enlightenment" or "New Year's Light".
Indeed many fine places like Reeth are outshone by brighter places.
Incidentally I can't think of a handy expression to capture the hiding of a
light by a brighter light. you could hardly talk about the stars being
overshadowed by the moon.
Colin
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bob Cooper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, February 20, 2006 4:32 PM
Subject: New Sub: Such Enlightening
Reeth is a small town in Swaledale, North Yorkshire. Maybe 2 pubs, maybe a
couple of cafes, maybe a dozen shops, and that's it. But do you need to know
that? Possibly not.
All comments welcome!
Such Enlightening
New Year's Eve is a town like Reeth
where local accents are different
and in some holiday cottage Co-op carrier bags
with clinking bottles, bags of pasta, are carried from a car
that ticks in the damp air, its windows gleaming
with lights from the Christmas tree on the green.
Footprints on the moist pavement disappear.
The door closes shutting out darkness for the evening
until at midnight so many people, unfamiliar to the place,
stand outside, glasses in hand, listening to the air
more than to each other, their breath rising
to a drunken moon whose light hides many faint stars.
Bob Cooper
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