Hi Bob,
Thanks for the comments. I'm not really happy with the second line and have
been jotting down a few alternatives so I'll try them when I get home and
get a chance to have a proper look at it. Things seem to be really hectic
at the moment so I'm looking forward to getting a couple of days off later
this week to try out some of the suggestions people have made.
Thanks very much for your help.
Regards
Matt
>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub:
>Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2006 12:13:09 +0000
>
>Hi Matt,
>An interesting sonnet.
>I really like the 1st line!
>I feel the 2nd line to be a tad clumsy. But I can't offer any alternatives
>or suggestions as to why it feels so clumsy! I might want to write: "but
>over the years has learned..." (I often find Irish and American sonnets
>also don't fit easily with my ways of saying things!)
>I'm also intruiged by the last line. I keep wanting to say:"both as
>wonderful as the other." and not: "either as wonderful as the other."
>But going back to the 1st line: it's often the case with sonnetty poems
>that the start of the poem and the conclusion of the poem relate to each
>other in interesting ways. That petals, or snow (and snow in April!) don't
>last long is neatly, subtly, linked and said.
>Bob
>
>
>>From: Matt Merritt <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New sub:
>>Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:54:54 +0000
>>
>>First thing I've managed to anything like complete in ages. All
>>suggestions welcome...
>>
>>
>>Shirotae Cherry
>>
>>He doesn’t expect it to last much longer,
>>but years since learned to be philosophical.
>>It’s the extremes these days, he explains.
>>Always stressful for tender specimens,
>>weeks of drought then biblical rain.
>>
>>And he’s ready for the inevitable loss.
>>Already there’s a double white cherry
>>thriving on the daffodil-studded grass, so
>>when it finally goes he’ll remove the roots
>>and leave the plot fallow a while, but for now
>>it’s a mass of fragrant white blossom.
>>
>>Leaving later in chill April twilight
>>the lawn’s lightly floured with petals,
>>or is it snow, either as wonderful as the other.
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