Hi Colin,
Thanks very much for those. I'll have a play about with it and see how
things look. I've got into the habit of trying three or four different
versions of a poem (some incorporating suggested changes), letting them sit
side by side for a few weeks or even months, then seeing which one grabs me.
So I'll try that here.
Thanks again,
Regards
Matt
>From: Colin Dewar <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub:/Matt
>Date: Sun, 19 Feb 2006 11:18:09 -0000
>
>Matt,
>
>This is an intriguing poem. I'm glad that you wrote it and that I had an
>opportunity to read it. It might be a matter of style but perhaps it needs
>some smoothing. Please see below for sugg's in caps. These are not
>improvements, so much as suggestions for further thought, and you'll know
>what you want.
>
>
>Colin
>
>
>Shirotae Cherry
>
>He doesn't expect it to last much longer,
>AND KNOWS TO BE OBJECTIVE.
>It's the extremes, he explains.
>IT STRESSES tender specimens-
>weeks of drought then biblical rain.
>
>And he's ready for the inevitable loss.
>A double white cherry
>GLOWS on the daffodil-studded grass.
>When it FADES, he'll DIG IT UP
>and leave THE GARDEN FALLOW.
>FOR NOW it's FRAGRANT blossom.
>
>IN April twilight
>the lawn's lightly floured with petals.
>Or is it snow? EACH IS wonderful as the other.
>
>
>
>
>----- Original Message ----- From: "Matt Merritt"
><[log in to unmask]>
>To: <[log in to unmask]>
>Sent: Friday, February 17, 2006 4:54 PM
>Subject: New sub:
>
>
>First thing I've managed to anything like complete in ages. All suggestions
>welcome...
>
>
>Shirotae Cherry
>
>He doesn't expect it to last much longer,
>but years since learned to be philosophical.
>It's the extremes these days, he explains.
>Always stressful for tender specimens,
>weeks of drought then biblical rain.
>
>And he's ready for the inevitable loss.
>Already there's a double white cherry
>thriving on the daffodil-studded grass, so
>when it finally goes he'll remove the roots
>and leave the plot fallow a while, but for now
>it's a mass of fragrant white blossom.
>
>Leaving later in chill April twilight
>the lawn's lightly floured with petals,
>or is it snow, either as wonderful as the other.
|