Gill,

Thank you for your careful criticism. Now that I think about it, the Wow
stanza isn't as functional as I'd thought. The DNA stanza missed out too?
Perhaps - tho' that's the core of the poem: that plant and person are
genetically determined, environmentally mediated, according to an
evolutionary model. You're right that both plant and person are able to
heighten once the environment allows it and that there's a hint of the
female figure dying. It's meant as unconscious hostility (a desire for her
death) by the male figure, and possibly acknowledged in the
second last last line. The reader is
meant to see things that the narrator does not, as you have done. The clumsy
lines that you highlighted are ones that I also felt weren't right. (?failed 
humour). So
naturally, I respect your judgement.

BW


Colin





----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Gill MCEVOY" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, February 05, 2006 7:45 PM
Subject: Re: newsub/bonsai


> Dear Colin,
> I've been reading your poems on this site with great pleasure, you have
> some
> naturally wonderful lines. On this recent sub there are a few comments I
> would like to make and they all involve a bit of "pruning". I agree with
> Sally E about the "wow" stanza; I'd omit it entirely. The poem doesn't
> need
> it.
>
> In stanza 1 I'd leave out "in its pot" from the fourth line. Not really
> necessary as most bonsai are in pots! Leave out stanza 3 and from 4 remove
> the line "hours over a hot photocopier" - it has a slightly clumsy rhythm
> to
> it and you already have a good thumbnail sketch of this person's dedicated
> skills in the remaining details.
> I would also omit completely the next stanza and go straight into "it's
> funny when you plant them out". This will give much more impact to the
> detail about the plum tree growing too big, and add to the poignancy of it
> being this left-behind bonsai that belonged to the girl who's been
> promoted.
> It is already a very moving and lovely poem, and I feel you could make it
> truly exquisite, as bonsai is.
> best wishes, and may your writing flourish,
> sincerely,
> Gill McEvoy.
>
> PS, there is a also a delicious (intended?) irony in the girl's going to
> higher places (at first I thought she'd died) and the plum tree reaching a
> great height at the close of the poem. Neat, very neat.
> Gill
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Colin Dewar" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Sunday, February 05, 2006 10:21 AM
> Subject: newsub/bonsai
>
>
>>             Bonsai
>>
>>
>> Now she's gone to higher places
>> and left the chair where she once sat,
>> the fireman calendar that someone gave her
>> and the bonsai plum in its pot for someone else to water.
>>
>> It's evening, I'm late, I'm left behind,
>> all the more to sense her absence and all she did,
>> the justice of promotion,
>> for which she may thank me.
>>
>> Wow! The prejudice she faced,
>> because she was a foreigner,
>> a lesbian,
>> an amputee - as if that mattered.
>>
>> She was capable, the best we had -
>> her paper clips and envelopes in place,
>> her hours over a hot photocopier,
>> the watered plants.
>>
>> The bonsai. They are so hard to keep alive,
>> but astounding that their DNA seems to know
>> the available space, how cells divide
>> the right amount, no more
>> and still keep leaf and stem just perfect.
>>
>> It's funny when you plant them out
>> how some are stunted,
>> too late, too tired, too old for proper fruit,
>> and others grow - in weeks you see the difference -
>> leaves like sheets, in decent soil at last, outside,
>>
>> the plum tree for instance that stands
>> beyond my kitchen window
>> blocking my light,
>> the flower bed from my neighbour's gaze.
>>
>>
>>
>> __________________________________________
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
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>
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