Ryfkah,

I like the vividness of these images. It feels like a stream of 
consciousness. Perhaps L1, 2 /S3 are part of a sentence that is too long for 
the length of the lines. Have you thought about longer lines in this poem 
and thus shorter stanzas? (i.e. longer lines but fewer lines per stanza). It 
might feel less hectic, more attuned to the unfolding of natural thought. 
That's unless the narrator is in a heightened emotional state (?) The 
multiple descriptions of e.g. the sky are risky because they could undermine 
each other, but I think you get away with it. They feel like they are 
progressive as the narrator develops their impressions.


Colin

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----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Tuesday, February 07, 2006 12:05 AM
Subject: New: To Covet


> To Covet
>
> He brought me back a tee-shirt
> from his trip to paradise
> stacked between folded underwear
> and hidden dollar bills
>
> I take out my nine to five fan
> flap away the sultry summer
> turn on my thank you smile
> and wonder about exotic trees
>
> on islands where the breeze breathes
> tender caresses to stay away the heat
> A lone parrot wings among backyard sparrows
> The sky burns tango tangerine
>
> Like churning lava
> like a thundering waterfall
> a bellowing hyena
> I laugh
>
> set the alarm
> for tomorrow
>
> Ryfkah 2/2/06
>