Hi Sally,
I don't like this as much!
It feels sort of chqaracterless, very ordinary and not at all memorable or
fresh.
I guess it feels like that because there's no person in it...
OK I know there's laughing and coughing mentioned, and they're unusual ways
of describing stars and trees, but...
... It might be that I enjoyed the initial draft so much - and I so enjoy
poems where two subjects are included with a kind of tension between them.
And the tension between writing poems and the gathering of darkness and
light in what we call night semed so striking, and subtle, and powerful, to
me.
Bob
>From: Sally James <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: revised poem
>Date: Sun, 1 Jan 2006 14:02:04 +0000
>
>Years End
>
>The sky changed colours
>and Venus laughed like a glowing eye.
>Roots grabbed the earth,
>trembled frozen grass.
>Bronchial branches coughed into the evening sky.
>The mist of their breath wrapped
>the dying year in a flimsy shroud.
>The stream, a ribbon of silver bells, tied
>the final knot, rang in the new year.
>
>Sally James
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