Exile's Field Guide To Moscow
http://www.exile.ru/field_guide.html
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Garrulus Garrulus
Bearded Intelligentsia
Distinguishing features: Shaggy beard and hair so authentic you know that
they do it out of necessity rather than irony. Shitty button-down shirts,
and most importantly, shitty sandals. They always wear shitty sandals.
Habitat: Any Project OGI, Gogol, or other cheap cafe-restaurant serving
sovok food with an intellectual veneer. Kitchens.
Danger if Provoked: Moderate to high. If you ask about anything from
politics to literature to the weather, you will be subjected to a six-hour
discourse on every subject under the moon, infused with deductive reasoning
the likes of which has not been seen or heard since the days of the Toga.
Moreover, you will be asked to buy him 100g of vodka every 30 minutes, and
you will be told that it is "normal" for a person to buy a bearded
intellectual vodka, as well as pickled cucumbers, in order to reward his
genius.
Mortal Weaknesses: Halyava.
Comments: Garrulus Garrulus tends to avoid expats because he believes
they're not just vulgar, but stingy.
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Trophia Minigarchia
Minigarch's Wife
Habitat: window shopping on ul. Tverskaya; Shokolod Cafe or Vanil'; back of
chauffeur-driven black Mercedes or Range Rover.
Distinguishing Features: over $50,000 worth of jewelry on body at any given
time; look on face "like jou aven been fucked in a year"
Danger if Provoked: moderate to extreme, depending on presence of bodyguard
(see below)
Mortal Weakness: anything that costs too much money
Comments: The Minigarch Wife is easily recognizable by her natural physical
beauty and the hallmarks of her expensive lifestyle. Trophia minigarcha is
typically initally chosen for sex appeal but is quickly relegated to
child-rearing duty as soon as her husband finds a suitably hot 17-year-old
replacement at Downtown or Park Avenue. In the wild, this species often can
be seen with a Flathead Bodyguard (flatheadus protectus) whose job is both
to protect trophia minigarcha from kidnapping attempts as well as to prevent
her from outsourcing her husband's marital duties to other, more willing
providers.
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