Dear Sally,
I feel that this poem suffers, as do some of your others, from a lack of
regularity in metre.With humorous poems particularly, a regular metre gives
them a snap that adds impact and a sort of 'professional' feeling.
If I can do a very quick re-write to tighten the first 2 lines just a bit:
She likes to show cleavage now and again,
in sunshine, the garden, on vacation in Spain...
I think metre can be used to drive a poem forward--I don't know if this
suggestion demonstrates that, but if you read some good humorous narrative
verse, Belloc, say, you'll see what I mean.
There is also a problem with punctuation;
e.g.
'Let the July sun, tan her skin.'
the comma is unnecessary, ditto in:
'But should she really (at her age) show, so much tit.'
I would really work on the metre to produce a more polished piece. Even if a
piece is a fun piece, I think we should always try to finish it as
craftfully as possible.
Kind regards,
Margaret
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sally James" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, August 27, 2005 11:04 AM
Subject: [THE-WORKS] new Sub Tit for Tat
Tit for Tat
She likes to show her cleavage every now and again.
Like in the sunshine, the garden, or on holiday in Spain.
Let the July sun, tan her skin.
There were advantages for not being matchstick thin.
If you've got it flaunt it, is what some people say.
But she never could, in her hey day.
She'd be called a tart, common, parents sigh, tut tut.
At the worst, she would be a whore, a slut.
Now she parades in plunging necklines, bikini tops.
Available in all the supermarkets, trendy shops.
It's her grandkids now who have their sway.
Wonder what Nan will wear next on holiday.
They think she's grand, great, such a hit.
But should she really (at her age) show, so much tit.
Sally James
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