----- Original Message -----
From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 5:42 AM
Subject: Re: New: Sunset Peach
> Dear Ryfkah,
> I have two problems with the title. The first is that Sunset peach sounds
> too much like a shade of lipstick, or something of a paint shade card. The
> second is that I feel it's a mistake to 'give away' the closing image even
> before the poem starts.
> Dinner dog, I had to think about--it's a cultural thing, I think. In the
> UK,
> we don't usually call chipolata sausages 'dogs', although they're used in
> hot dogs, of course.
> I like the line last needs to be reconsidered, because the sun may look
> like
> a peach half, but to say that it dips like a peach half, you're
> suggesting,
> I think, that's there's some special way in which peach halves dip...
> Kind regards, Margaret
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Ryfkah *" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, July 16, 2005 12:29 AM
> Subject: [THE-WORKS] New: Sunset Peach
>
>
>> Sunset Peach
>>
>> Our kayak dragged onto sand
>> she snaps a photo of the beach
>> stands with spiked hair slowly swaying
>> in the offshore gust
>> I flash my mother smile
>>
>> Palm trees hover as sentries
>>
>> My daughter lights the bonfire
>> mixes black beans and brown rice
>> in a blackened camp pot
>> I discover a wire hanger in the car
>> elongate it to pierce my dinner dog
>>
>> The sun dips like a peach half
>>
>> Ryfkah 7/15/05
>
Just caught this having been off the list for a long time.
I agree with Margaret about the title possibly being too revealing
but I quite like the image of "dinner dog"
and I find the last line rather effective.
My one problem is that
I get this scene of a far away place to which they've taken their kayak
and then there is this car there from where they obtain a wire coat-hanger
and it destroys my image of this secluded hide-away.
anyhow
all the best
Gerald England
New Hope International, Haiku Talk
reviews, poetry. travel photography and more
http://www.nhi.clara.net/index.htm
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