Hi Sharon
Thanks for the welcome. Yesterday, I was in a country town in Victoria
called Mildura where the landscape is incredibly flat (they had the
International Hot Air Balloon Championships there last year) and whilst
waiting to catch a plane home I noticed the way the clouds were scattered
against this flat horizon - and it made me think of the poem you posted. Not
sure how this observation helps; other than to suggest that the more
'careless' experimental lineation of the poem is working for me visually. I
also dragged out of my bookcase a suite of poems published by Anita Noble in
the US journal 'Nimrod' (Volume 33, No. 1 Fall/Winter 1989). I really liked
the way she used space in those particular poems (which I think were from
her book 'The Ten Gates'). You might want to have a look at them, although I
notice that she has used her spaces as punctuation, or breath, rather than
to disrupt, dishevel or surprise.
Best
Jennifer
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sharon Brogan" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Friday, January 28, 2005 5:51 AM
Subject: Re: trying a new form; feedback welcome -- Snapshot 26 January
02005 -- a two-week snapshot
> thanks, Douglas -- I agree -- and I think I will continue to work with
> this, just to see if I can make it work in that 3 column form -- maybe
> even drop the first few stanzas altogether --
>
> but I will let it stand as-is for the snapshot -- especially since I
> think this may take some- long- time to do & learn from ...
>
>
> On Thu, 27 Jan 2005 09:46:45 -0700, Douglas Barbour
> <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> > Sharon:
> >
> > I'm way behind, but I liked it as a series of stanzas, AND as 3
> > columns, but in the columns I did note that sometimes one could read
> > down & it worked & at other points didn't so much. So that there's
> > already a breakdown in syntax if one reads down. Do you want to edit to
> > lessen that or not? If not, then you can cut a bit across as well, but
> > with care, obviously.
> >
> > I think some of the lines near the end, that approaching earth, are
> > where the real strength in the poem lies...
> >
>
>
> --
> Sharon Brogan
> http://www.sbpoet.com
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