Roger - I think you can make this tighter by taking out the "of" everywhere
you can:
"Twist uplift of leaves" into
Twist uplift leaves
Or
"whispers of rotten wood" into
whispers rotten wood
I think you get a much better music without the "of" - which I hear as "of"
another century. Most of the time here you are already dropping it.
Again, I like the density.
Stephen V
http://stephenvincent.net/blog/
> stmble legs into november
> blue sweets in a green jar
> hide and seek beind a glass door
> safeties off in nasty weather
> the wrong tea bag, toast sweat
> targets squared, sequencing PAVE
> bread crumbs on the bread board
> mercy of fuel-air weapons for sleeping farmers
> vertices glow in untethered fury
> a hard mind
> whispers of rotten wood in load-bearing stanchions
> lodgements of grey dust in scoured flesh
> rhizomatic networks grip a body impolitic
> pale emphasis
> twist uplift of leaves
> a magician opens her cave
> glisten slyly in shadows,
> in warmth
> blue and green glow-worms
> throw shadows as narrative
> finger formations merge to shimmering images
> soft hills dotted with towers of smoke
> a grey ship on a placid bay
> a river or rubies emerges from fresh cracks in tomorrows cave
> as ancient as Gilgamesh
> like a swift sheath of light
> a hand catches the silver bullet
>
>
> --
> http://www.badstep.net/
> http://www.cb1poetry.org.uk/
>
>
> --
> http://www.badstep.net/
> http://www.cb1poetry.org.uk/
|