Heather Taylor says
> ...I'll be submitting this into their anthology so I
> wanted to see how it went down elsewhere. It's stanzas are a bit
> irregular so I wanted to know if it needed more. Please feel free to
> tear it apart...
Irregular stanzas are more than fine with me.
I like the first three stanzas - definitely do something with those!
But after that we seem to move on to someone's personal
life - nothing wrong with doing that, but in this case
the writing is not interesting enough in content, form or language
to do anything for me. So maybe it does "need more" as you say -
or maybe it needs less. Maybe it would work if you stopped after
the fourth stanza - if what you want to say is, All this is happening
and all s/he does is lie about in pyjamas eating and watching TV!
My other thought is that there may be several poems lurking here.
The description of the photograph is interesting; so is the parent
becoming child. Perhaps you might use those as starting points.
Hope this is of some use
Janet
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Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity:
http://www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet/proximity.html
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