Janet,
I'd only Thought I'd put the lamb in the oven---guess we'll have flounder
tonite.
Astonishing. In one little sentence-transposition you brought the poem to
ordered meaning.
Originally, I'd analyzed your poem because you asked for comments; otherwise
I wouldn't have given my views.
Critiquing a poem to its poet scares the hell outa me. It's like shoving a
newborn back into its birthingplace and saying with a salute, "Come on back
when we've decided you're done growing, hear?!"
I congratulate you, therefore, o ego-less brave poet for listening to a
midwife.
With that transposition of sentences, Janet, incredibly, I now read depth
and tenderness in the poem that I'd not felt before. More amazement.
And now I'll write a combo of first and last versions for your last lines:
"I make a protective box
A name to bring back to her!
but waking dissolves my scrap of evidence"
Congratulations,
Judy
----- Original Message -----
From: "Janet Jackson" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, October 02, 2005 12:01 PM
Subject: "September dream" revised
>A new revision of this. Probably not the last.
>
>
> September dream
> ---------------
>
> Because this love is unconditional and genderless and transcendent
> Because it takes everything I have and everything you have
>
> Only in dream do children come out first,
> lined up, nervous
>
> Only in dream do schoolenemies observe,
> tittering, mock-encouraging in newpressed uniforms
>
> Only in dream my book's blank pages grow scribbles
> crowding out your name.
> I draw a box to protect it
>
> Because... everything...
>
> Only in dream are you taller
> Only in dream are my body's arms around you
>
> Soft against my cheek, your
> tender neckskin, your
> fuzzy handknit sweater,
> smelling sweet and old
>
> Only in dream are you
> silent while I have words.
> Do you hear my dreamvoice against your neck?
> I can barely speak
> My throat is breaking
> "I love you"
>
> Unconditional and genderless and...
>
> A name to bring back to her!
> but returning dissolves my scrap of evidence
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------
> Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
> Poems at Proximity:
> http://www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet/proximity.html
> ------------------------------------------------------
>
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