thanks for the support, frederick
thanks too for the suggestion - it may be stronger, but it is different
i put it - the comma - in deliberately
i'll think on the other idea
L
----- Original Message -----
From: "Frederick Pollack" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 8:44 PM
Subject: Re: snap rewrite
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Lawrence Upton" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 3:35 PM
> Subject: snap rewrite
>
>
> > Bulky in top, and shorts and logos,
> >
> > tanned round skull shaven to the brain,
> >
> > it grins at the woman who's near it.
> >
> > This is an automat gesture -
> >
> > as a dog looks round, mapping itself
> >
> > on to the moving pack, as a bird
> >
> > flies because another bird flies.
> >
> >
> >
> > Lacking a sense of higher power,
> >
> > it may be violent, may think
> >
> > itself feral. It's dressed to fill
> >
> > several familiar old images.
> >
> > One sees the space as a pet, or a child,
> >
> > glimpsing a common jeopardy,
> >
> > jam-packed by courage without great risk.
> >
>
> Very strong. Suggestion: drop comma after "child"; make last line
> "courageous without great risk." Clearer and more powerful.
>
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