Well, after I sent it off, and after I posted it on my weblog, I
revised many times -- trying to find its form. Finally it looks like
this (I didn't send revisions to the list, thinking it took too long
to still be a "snapshot" -- and broke the blogging rules by changing
the one posted there. Oh well) -- here it is again:
Snapshot 12 January 02005
wednesday again
winter storm
warning
raccoon tracks
around
the frozen pond
fish deeply
sleeping still
insomnia
squires me
long lit
nights & short
dim days
pressed warm
against me
this dog's
paws twitch
& busy
in the garden
one tailless
squirrel
sparrows
pine siskins
black-capped
chickadees
piliated
woodpecker
raven boasting
from atop
the tallest
spruce ice
on tree
limbs ice
on mine
sleep
a clumsy
skate
on thick
rippled
surfaces
and now
the snow
--
Sharon Brogan
http://www.sbpoet.com
On Thu, 13 Jan 2005 16:26:48 +0800, Janet Jackson
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> Thanks Sharon and Anny. It's good to get a response (of any kind).
> I'm getting better at writing t
o order (rather than waiting for
> the muse to strike) - doing the snapshots is helping.
>
> Other people's snaps so far:
>
>
> Sharon Brogan (winter) - I do like this one, the language of it, but
> I'm getting the urge to put in some punctuation or change the line endings
> so it's easier to read. But that would destroy the poem's rather definite
> form. It becomes clearer with multiple readings.
> But "ice/ on the tree limbs ice/ on mine sleep/ a clumsy skate":
> Are we to read, "ice on the tree limbs, ice on mine, sleep a clumsy skate"
> or "ice on the tree limbs, ice on mine, sleep, a clumsy skate"
> or "ice on the tree limbs, ice on mine sleep, a clumsy skate"?
> Initially I read it the third way and thought, that doesn't sound right!
> Now I think it's either the first way (in which case some punctuation
> might help) or Sharon is for whatever reason trying to be ambiguous.
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