UNFERTH AND BEOWULF'S MONSTER FLYTING
(vaguely after BEOWULF ll. 449-528)
The big yin got tae Heorot, nae problem:
"Ahm here fur the monster rammy, but."
"Aye," grunted Unferth intae his beard,
"Aw we bloody need.
Soddin mental that yin.
Think's he's a hard man:
Aw haw, aw the way frae Brigton."
"So," said Unferth, "come tae deal wi thon
Grendel bummer, huv yi?"
"Hear yi hid a match wi that Brecca,
swimming or something?"
"Aye," smarmed Beowulf, buffin his nails
oan his jacket lapels,
"No a bad show, that."
So Unferth spoke
(pittin the semantic heid oan Wulfy):
"See you, yi couldnae swim
across a puddle in ra fog."
Thus Unferth continued:
"Daft as brushes, the pair aw yi,
drookit fur a week staunin unner the shower
in the weans' changin room --
Nearest yi ever gote tae the sea."
"And onywey, Brecca licked the breeks affy yi."
"Youz pair couldnae even
sook a sherbert dab
tae save yir lives."
"Yir a right sad bastard,
an if yi hing aroon the Hall
the night, waiting fur Grendel,
Ahl believe it when Ah bite it."
There wiz Beowulf, face like a midden,
glowrin somethin awfu --
till he came back wi a pit-doon:
"Despite yir gallus tongue, Unferth, yir damned."
"AN yir pissed out o yir skull,
yi illiterate wee shite."
Then Beowulf spoke:
"See us a pint u heavy, jimmy,
an Ahl tell youz
how it *really* wiz ... "
TAE BE CONTINUED
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