Jon comments on my work (thanks Jon!):
> =====
> Did you ever hug a book? I did.
> Ever lay your warm hand
> on cool printed gloss, or press
> your lips on glass? I did.
> Ever close your eyes and send? I did.
> Ever receive?
> =====
>
> These lines have a zip which it's a shame to bury in the middle. I think
> they should be the beginning, with "Did you ever hug a book? I did." as the
> first line. One should always begin with a bang when possible. Wakes 'em up.
These are my favourite lines, too.
I'd thought of putting them at the end - just finishing
the poem at "receive" - but not at the beginning. Hmm.
> =====
> Welcome
> to the temple.
> =====
>
> That temple again.
No, it's a different one this time;-)
Actually, I don't like that bit. "Welcome to the temple" seems kind
of cliched, and I'm probably going to change it. When the solution
occurs to me.
> For reasons I can't explain it occurs to me that this could be titled,
> "You can't cheat life."
Eh? Please *try* to explain!
Janet
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Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
Poems at Proximity:
http://www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet/proximity.html
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