I have to disagree. The concept is great, but the sound of it is offkey. The
line breaks and the phraseology in the first two paragraphs seem arbitary
and ineffective to me. The cold bluntness of the third is brilliant, and an
example maybe of where to go in the first two. The very last paragraph is
too pat - it is an artistic closure, one which I also would be seduced by -
but which doesn't bring home the expression of emotion behind the poem.
Stop trying to make it LOOK like a poem; make it SOUND like a frustrated
gesture. Fuck the fact it's a 'Poem' - who needs another one - Make it work
as a slab, an instnace, of writing. Then it will be a poem. Maybe eecummings
is someone to look at as a role model here (not elsewhere!).
Goddamn it, I always seem to be the contrary guy. I like what you're
attempting a lot, and I hate gaining a negative rep, but that's how I see
it, so I hope you will accept what I say in the spirit in which I say it.
Andrew
----- Original Message -----
From: "Rebecca Seiferle" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Sunday, February 20, 2005 12:40 AM
Subject: Re: Ripped (a poem about the words on shirts)
I thought it worked, Janet, especially the end.
Best,
Rebecca
---- Original message ----
>Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2005 23:00:14 +0800
>From: Janet Jackson <[log in to unmask]>
>Subject: Ripped (a poem about the words on shirts)
>To: [log in to unmask]
>
>Does this work for anyone? (Yes or No will do, but I really would
>like to know!)
>
> Ripped
> ------
>
> I CARE FOR NOBODY
> said the shirt.
> Fucked, ripped, empty.
> $60 of emotionless 2005 neopunk.
> 10 of them identical. That's
> 600 blankstare dollars.
>
> 1976 punk said CRASS
> or ANARCHY. And if your
> shirt was ripped, it wasn't ripped
> in a Chinese sweatshop.
>
> Who cares for nobody?
> The corporation.
>
> "Anger is an energy"
>
> If I can't have love give me hate.
>
> I bought jeans. Hot red,
> flared, textured, labelled
> PERVERT
>
>Janet
>---------------------------------------
>Janet Jackson
><[log in to unmask]>
>www.arach.net.au/~huxtable/janet
>---------------------------------------
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