Welcome, my dear Joanna!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Joanna Boulter" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 7:39 PM
Subject: Re: bamboo flute, the muse
> Judy, I'm going to chip in here, if I may?
Jump in!
>
> I do think it's not on the whole a very good idea to invert subject and
> verb, as you've done here in your line 'so hollow we'. Yes, 'trad'-type
> poets did it, but you're mostly successfully NOT writing trad-style. If the
> line's meant to mean 'we are so hollow', then why not say so? Are you
> perhaps not wanting to break that regular rhymed couplet?
Yes, that was it, the sound.
And yet, if you
> did, it might be so much to the benefit of the poem, because that's the one
> place in the whole thing where you've -- er, wrung its neck to make it fit a
> shape, so to speak. This comes as a bit of a ker-plunking shock after the
> subtler rhythms of
>
> my mouth was all wrong
> fingers short of the holes
>
> If you were to omit one or both of the two following lines you would have a
> better progression I think into the 'winter debated spring' verse, which I
> personally think is good, particularly since it underlines your more or less
> (sub)-conscious battle to align yourself with the flute and whatever it
> takes to make that music. I also really like 'your clear core', which works
> whether the 'you' addressed is the flute or the Muse.
>
> Actually, if you were feeling terribly brave and didn't think this was too
> brutal,
I like brutal, Joanna, esp with artful stuff.
you might even try taking off the first 3 verses and starting
> straight in with 'my mouth was all wrong'.
Let's do it, then! I'll send the new Bamboo email-ly next!
That's one of the marvellous
> things about writing -- we can try something and if it doesn't work it's
> easy to restore the earlier version!
>
> best joanna
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "judy prince" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 10:06 PM
> Subject: Re: bamboo flute, the muse
>
>
>> THANKS FOR YOUR VERY NECESSARY SPECIFIC EXPLANATION, FRANK. SEE MY
>> INSERTED CAPS BELOW:
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Frank Parker" <[log in to unmask]>
>> To: <[log in to unmask]>
>> Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 12:44 PM
>> Subject: Re: bamboo flute, the muse
>>
>>
>>>> my mouth was all wrong
>>>> fingers short of the holes
>>>> too much for me
>>>> so hollow we
>>
>> ~~~~FRANK, THE PRECEDING LINE IS INTENDED TO MEAN: "WE ARE SO
>> HOLLOW."~~~~~~~~
>>>
>>>> Frank, do you mean kill the following sentence and/or the following
>>> stanza?
>>>
>>>> winter debated spring this year
>>
>> ~~~~AND THE PRECEDING LINE IS INTENDED TO MEAN EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS:
>> "WINTER DEBATED SPRING THIS YEAR."~~~~ NOW JUMP DOWN TO NEARLY THE BOTTOM
>> OF YOUR MESSAGE.
>>
>>>> spring the louder surprise
>>>> and I thought of the bamboo flute
>>>> I thought of you patient you
>>>
>>> Very simple, look at the syntax, if you wrote the last line of stanza 4
>>> and
>>> the first line of stanza 5 as a sentence it is very awkward:
>>> "so hollow we winter debated spring this year". I mean, what is that? I
>>> doubt you speak this way. The rest of the poem is in an everyday
>>> vernacular
>>> then suddenly there's that shift between 4 and 5. It's up to you just
>>> what
>>> to do. The solution might be as simple as dropping the last line of
>>> stanza 4
>>> and the first line of stanza 5.
>>>
>>> As for the title, drop "the muse".
>>
>> ~~~~CAN'T DROP "THE MUSE"---AND THAT'S FOR AN ENTIRELY NON-POETICS
>> REASON.~~~~
>>
>> HOPE YOUR FLUTE-FLIGHTS ARE AS RICH AND REWARDING AS MY PIANO-PLAYINGS,
>> FRANK!
>>
>> BEST TO YOU,
>>
>> JUDY
>>>
>>> ***************************
>>> Frank Parker
>>> [log in to unmask]
>>> http://frankshome.org
>>>
>>
>
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