My cure is to split English into two languages, "low" and "high" English.
"Low" English would use a phonetic spelling system, incorporate
"texting" idioms, be written largely as it was spoken, and employ
minimal punctuation (full stop, question mark, and three exclamation
marks together!!!).
"High" English would be a significantly more formal version of the
English written by the minority of "correct" users of the language as
it is today. It would include the complete roster of demonstrably
nonsensical rules forbidding things like split infinitives and the
placement of prepositions at the end of a sentence. Extra marks would
be given for Latinate word-order, even - indeed, especially - where
this obscured the meaning of a sentence.
Users of "low" English would be exempt from all criticisms of usage,
whereas users of "high" English would be obliged to correct the errors
of any other "high" English speaker whenever the occasion demanded.
The two languages would be encouraged to evolve apart: "low" English
would get the encyclopedia of sexual slang, the glossary of urban
violence, and the contents of Roger's Profanisaurus. "High" English
would get ever-more fancy ways of avoiding saying what one really
means.
Rigorous policing of the two language communities would be carried out
by their members: accidental usage of a "high" English idiom by a
"low" English speaker would be punished by being called a "fucking
poofy twat", whilst the corresponding infraction by a "high" English
speaker would result in the polite laughter, withering looks from
spouses and/or long-term cohabitees, and in the case of repeated
offences the withholding of dinner party invitations, until such time
as the miscreant's manners were to improve.
Poetry written in "low" English would rhyme, in couplets, and would
typically be yelped at high speed over a hip-hop beat incorporating a
looped sample of some cheesy 70s pop hit. Poetry written in "high"
English would be delivered in low, incantatory tones to the
accompaniment of creaking plastic chairs, occasional murmurs and
chuckles of appreciation and, towards the end of the recitation, an
intermittent light snoring.
Dominic
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