too many words, seems a little slack, over-wrought maybe
like the first two lines
feels very dover beach-ish
this character, he seems to have lost his powers, but i can't care
about him, about why he lost his powers, about what moves him. there
seems to be no connection about the light that moves him, and what has
gone before
i know you want to be mysterious but i don't think you've given us
enough of the right kind of detail
you seem to rely on the fact that he's an angel - hints of which are
mentioned 3 times so maybe ramming the point a little too much -
religious mythology, to fill in the back-ground details otoh the last
verse seems to have urgency, more power than the rest of the power
most of it is a bit sub-buffy, a bit too gothic
hth
On 12/26/05, Alison Croggon <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> that I've never been able to get quite right. So I had another fiddle with
> it. Any thoughts?
>
> All the best
>
> A
>
>
> The Harbour
>
>
> He notes the wind sharpening his throat
> every time his hand touches his collar.
> Monsters hoop their tails and vanish
> in the distant ocean, undeciphered.
> Once he could dilute their roars by clapping
> the clear sun up and asking it to dance
> but now he hears them on the edge of hearing
> always, a sullen tide withdrawing
> from an empty room.
>
> Flute of a dead god, he lingers
> where water nags old bones and rusty tins.
> The cold swarms like fire. He waits there
> until the cold is cold.
>
> Angel, how numb your shoulders are,
> how they sag under the feathers
> that pull you down to the dark rim
> of a darkening earth. And when you lift your eyes
> from the burdened water, they gleam
> briefly, a light that no light gives you,
> not the blazing steel ships nor the quiet
> moon nor even the orange flare
> of a match, your eyes gleam
> cold with the agony of presence.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Alison Croggon
>
> Blog: http://theatrenotes.blogspot.com
> Editor, Masthead: http://masthead.net.au
> Home page: http://alisoncroggon.com
>
--
http://www.badstep.net/
http://www.cb1poetry.org.uk/
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