yes, I suppose if I'm going to make the form unusual, I can/ should
play a bit with sytax, too -- but should I go all the way, stop
worrying entirely about 'sense' and 'order'?
On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 14:27:21 -0800, Stephen Vincent
<[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> I like the break-up, Sharon. I would keep getting more spare & eliminate the
> narrative conjoiners - cut, cut, cut: (I suggest)
>
> >
> >
> >
> >( awake) mid-night (in) last week's storm
> > hundreds of ducks
> >
> > crowded ice curve (the curve of ice) (along the) river low
> > (muttering a) mutter whisper
> >
> > (of) wings in water (everything) quiet (and) heavy snow morning (with
> snow this morning)
> >
> > that ice broken and covered with crows lifting their
> > wings
> >
> > in dissension if you were here i would tell you my life over a
> > meal
> >
> > pad thai or chile verde some too-bright too- loud
> > restaurant you
> >
> > passing through and i pale and lost days at a time -- i
> > dream
> >
> > a magician makes things appear, then vanish the kestrel takes
> >
> > sparrows every day from the garden and now a red-tailed
> > hawk
> >
> > takes another i look in the mirror and see my neck has
> > fallen
> >
> > my breasts my belly irresistibly attracted to earth and i
> > find it
> >
> > no consolation that this attraction is mutual
> > that this ground
> >
> > rises to meet my foot the sky is still black the dogs are
> > still
> >
> > sleeping and a hand to the window-pane pulls back
> > chilled
> >
> >
> > --
> > Sharon Brogan
> > http://www.sbpoet.com
>
--
Sharon Brogan
http://www.sbpoet.com
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