I like the break-up, Sharon. I would keep getting more spare & eliminate the
narrative conjoiners - cut, cut, cut: (I suggest)
>
>
>
>( awake) mid-night (in) last week's storm
> hundreds of ducks
>
> crowded ice curve (the curve of ice) (along the) river low
> (muttering a) mutter whisper
>
> (of) wings in water (everything) quiet (and) heavy snow morning (with
snow this morning)
>
> that ice broken and covered with crows lifting their
> wings
>
> in dissension if you were here i would tell you my life over a
> meal
>
> pad thai or chile verde some too-bright too- loud
> restaurant you
>
> passing through and i pale and lost days at a time -- i
> dream
>
> a magician makes things appear, then vanish the kestrel takes
>
> sparrows every day from the garden and now a red-tailed
> hawk
>
> takes another i look in the mirror and see my neck has
> fallen
>
> my breasts my belly irresistibly attracted to earth and i
> find it
>
> no consolation that this attraction is mutual
> that this ground
>
> rises to meet my foot the sky is still black the dogs are
> still
>
> sleeping and a hand to the window-pane pulls back
> chilled
>
>
> --
> Sharon Brogan
> http://www.sbpoet.com
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