Thanks, Fred. Yes, it was a poetry workshop yesterday afternoon at a live-in
detox centre out of town for mums. The boy was four and quiet but
mischievous. I could see him playing with word cards on the floor, then
rolling himself up with them spilling out of the rug - a really good image
of making a poem! The ladies were not so inventive. I wanted to get down
there on the floor with him and play with words - but ya carn't do dat, can
ya!
Thanks for your suggestions. I will certainly look at them, and particularly
bring the 'myself' up onto the line before. 'Stagy' would be awful to be!
:-)
If I could only export this day in Perth to you all, you'd enjoy it: only a
breeze in the highest limbs of the gum trees and a gentle sun bathing the
suburb in light. Three ducks on the verge having waddled up from the river.
Not a sound at the moment (we live at the end of a cul de sac) and all the
kids must be sleeping in. & the dogs are asleep in the sunshine and the
birds have stopped their early morning tweeting. Bewdiful day.
Andrew
----- Original Message -----
From: "Frederick Pollack" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, November 12, 2005 8:12 AM
Subject: Re: extremely late snap
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Andrew Burke" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Friday, November 11, 2005 7:25 PM
> Subject: extremely late snap
>
>
> she gave me lip
> and when I gave her lip back
> she gave me
>
> breakfast
> bacon and eggs
> (the oysters of the suburbs
>
> ((out of statement
> into light
> weeds grow
> over his defence)) )
>
> *
>
> ... as you drive out
> West Swan Road
> you'll see flowers stall
> and strawberries ripen
>
> *
>
> the bored boy
> shuffles the word cards
> on the floor
>
> and rolls himself
> up in the rug ...
> this is poetry,
> I tell them
>
> the kid's got it right
>
> *
>
> the prettiest girl
> in the tightest jeans
> gets my attention
>
> 'form and content'
> I tell them, not
> content at all
> myself
>
> Love it. Really needs a title. "them" in last stanza is apparently a
> class - but why make reader hesitate over a minor point? Say "I tell the
> class." And "myself" as isolated line feels stagy - wouldn't lose by
having
> it follow "all." --- "flowers stall" marvelous. Jolly depressed poem.
>
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