thanks judy
i'm not sure i ditto it, but thanks for the interest
L
----- Original Message -----
From: "judy prince" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 9:02 PM
Subject: Re: snap rewrite
> Lawrence, a power-filled poem. And I ditto what Fred wrote, as given
below
> your poem reproduced here.
>
> Thanks, Judy
>
>
> > ----- Original Message -----
> > From: "Lawrence Upton" <[log in to unmask]>
> > To: <[log in to unmask]>
> > Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 3:35 PM
> > Subject: snap rewrite
> >
> >
> >> Bulky in top, and shorts and logos,
> >>
> >> tanned round skull shaven to the brain,
> >>
> >> it grins at the woman who's near it.
> >>
> >> This is an automat gesture -
> >>
> >> as a dog looks round, mapping itself
> >>
> >> on to the moving pack, as a bird
> >>
> >> flies because another bird flies.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Lacking a sense of higher power,
> >>
> >> it may be violent, may think
> >>
> >> itself feral. It's dressed to fill
> >>
> >> several familiar old images.
> >>
> >> One sees the space as a pet, or a child,
> >>
> >> glimpsing a common jeopardy,
> >>
> >> jam-packed by courage without great risk.
> >>
> >
> > Very strong. Suggestion: drop comma after "child"; make last line
> > "courageous without great risk." Clearer and more powerful.
>
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