Lawrence, a power-filled poem. And I ditto what Fred wrote, as given below
your poem reproduced here.
Thanks, Judy
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Lawrence Upton" <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 3:35 PM
> Subject: snap rewrite
>
>
>> Bulky in top, and shorts and logos,
>>
>> tanned round skull shaven to the brain,
>>
>> it grins at the woman who's near it.
>>
>> This is an automat gesture -
>>
>> as a dog looks round, mapping itself
>>
>> on to the moving pack, as a bird
>>
>> flies because another bird flies.
>>
>>
>>
>> Lacking a sense of higher power,
>>
>> it may be violent, may think
>>
>> itself feral. It's dressed to fill
>>
>> several familiar old images.
>>
>> One sees the space as a pet, or a child,
>>
>> glimpsing a common jeopardy,
>>
>> jam-packed by courage without great risk.
>>
>
> Very strong. Suggestion: drop comma after "child"; make last line
> "courageous without great risk." Clearer and more powerful.
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