----- Original Message -----
From: "Lawrence Upton" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 3:35 PM
Subject: snap rewrite
> Bulky in top, and shorts and logos,
>
> tanned round skull shaven to the brain,
>
> it grins at the woman who's near it.
>
> This is an automat gesture -
>
> as a dog looks round, mapping itself
>
> on to the moving pack, as a bird
>
> flies because another bird flies.
>
>
>
> Lacking a sense of higher power,
>
> it may be violent, may think
>
> itself feral. It's dressed to fill
>
> several familiar old images.
>
> One sees the space as a pet, or a child,
>
> glimpsing a common jeopardy,
>
> jam-packed by courage without great risk.
>
Very strong. Suggestion: drop comma after "child"; make last line
"courageous without great risk." Clearer and more powerful.
|